Health and Hell; A mother’s hatred.

As I watch my Dr’s fight amongst themselves whether or not it’s time to test me for cancer, in more physical pain than I ever thought I could endure, my home life has tanked to a low I didn’t think it would reach.

My mother lied to the family about why we went broke. I knew she pinned it on me, I did not know it was to the tune of $3,000 a month, every month, for the period of at least 6 years. During that time she gambled it all away with her “friend” Jane.

Her lies have cost me every family member I have and left me completely alone in the world. Now in a rare moment of honesty, she won’t retract her lies but couldn’t wait to express how much she honestly hopes and prays that I have terminal cancer or would get up the nerve to kill myself. She said the only reason she didn’t have an abortion was because her parents were still alive and she would pray for them to die so she could “drown me in the tub” or find some means to get rid of me.

I’m sure some people that know my family will read this. I hope you do. I honestly can’t care what any of you think about me anymore. I do however pity you that you can’t think for yourselves and would take her word as gospel based on what, exactly? That my mom confuses classically styled fashion in dark colors to be “goth” which you believe is evil? Is it that I’m disabled and therefore poor, which many of you find sinful? Is it the times when I was a child and I dared to talk back to either of them? Well I don’t care how much reverence you claim to have for your own parents. You didn’t live with mine.

I spent a lot of time trying to be placed into a foster home. Welcome to the 80’s! When parents could talk their way out of anything. 

To all of my family that told me I’m not right with God, should be “put down like a mad dog.” or believed her to my downfall without an ounce of compassion on the horizon, I hope you can accept the eternal consequences of your own judgment. 

Should the news of my health be as most of the Dr’s expect, at 36 years old I am opting to NOT have treatment. I’m all alone as it stands, and I wouldn’t want to continue to be a disappointment.

How to save a life.

1. Listen without judgement.

2. Be kind, have compassion.

3. You don’t know anything about it so shut up.

4. Really, I mean it. The last thing they need is an ultimatum or the fear that you too will abandon them.

5. Offer real help. Condolences and prayers only go so far when someone is going under for what might be the third time. Knowing what resources are in your area and the number of any warm lines IS helping.

6. Know these numbers:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) (rape, abuse, & incest national network) 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

The Trevor Project for LBGTPQ youth  866-488-7386 Provides many services and resources for free. Call 211

7. Take as much time as it takes. It very well could be you feeling that low someday. Would you want the person you reached out for to be in a hurry?

8. If at any time your friend makes it clear they have immediate plans to end their life, take it seriously. Try to get them to voluntarily admit themselves to a hospital or dial 911. 

No one has to be alone. You are worth more than you could ever know. 

Take it from someone who is still fighting, had I punched my own ticket every time I didn’t think I would see the sun I would’ve missed SO many wonderful things.

The births of 7 kids between family and friends. Some I haven’t even gotten to meet yet because of distance but I hope to someday.

Yeah, there’s been bad and I’ve been neck deep in a ton of bad for the last four years BUT I have faith. I have faith in a lot of things. You don’t have to go for a big guy in the sky you just have to have faith that YOU can survive. You will, if you always reach for help.

Ok. Who am I F**KING kidding? 

My last post titled “So…” was the, fresh from the Dr, try to stay calm, and for Fs sake just try to be optimistic, post. I, however, am failing miserably. Just the antibiotic she prescribed alone is scary! We’re talking some tough stuff here. Not a z-pack or levaquin (sp?) but this horse pill sulfa drug that’s beyond stout, almost a sure bet to rip up my tummy, and I must take two pills two times a day! 

Then hits mega fear. While praying it’s only an infection, I’m to prepare for the worst case scenario. What if it’s cancer? 

The nicest way to phrase this is I’m not in a suitable environment to begin any sort of treatment. I’m desperately in need of a boost out that isn’t on the radar and to top it all off, if I managed to get a place, I won’t be able to take anything with me without a great deal of help. 

Lately, the lady that never could get much sleep, can’t stay awake to save her life! I will pass out, mid-task any and every moment of the day. I have woken up hunched over, sitting in bed to find I had been watching a movie that’s now almost over or texting a friend. (Of course now everyone thinks I’m just forgetting about them) 

At this point I’m afraid to drive. Not that I can do so well in the first place since I have almost no use of my right arm. 

I would love any positive vibes you can spare.

Grand kids, fibro, and asthma…. Oh my!

Well my beautiful step-daughters baby shower is just around the corner and its a girl!!!! She is naming her Arabella Rose and not a one of us can wait for her to arrive. You can see on the 3D ultrasound that she already looks like her momma not that her dad is anything to spit at either. There is no way 2 people that good looking aren’t going to make cute. The baby already has her lips so the preschool boys are just gonna fall at her feet God help us all. LOL

My asthma and fibro have chosen to flair at the same flipping time making things a touch hellish and ER trips a must. But that being said I have not missed buying one pink or lavender thing for this baby shower and refuse to rest until I am certain the place looks like we threw pepto everywhere and some how made it baby themed. Her dad and I may have our fights but she still feels VERY MUCH like she is my kid too and that this is my grandchild as well so I will not skip a beat. She didn’t go to prom or anything so this is going to be her big deal party come hell or high water! Her bio mom and I are more than in it to win it on this one. I was talking details with her from my hospital bed last night. Perfection will exist and it will be this party! LOL