Acute respiratory failure

So this is the start of my 3rd day in the hospital and even though I lucked into some sleep shades and some humor about this I am still finding it hard to laugh about it all. I have been diagnosed with Acute Respiratory Failure not because I could be sick or something but because the trees bloomed and leaves happened…… Now tell me again how I just stop Spring from happening……
As I sit now I am on 3 liters of o2 and am attached to the wall via plastic tubes and my face. I am scared. I am very tired. Most of all I am…,, well I was going to wax spiritual but the room took a huge spin so ….. dizzy is what I am most of all right now.
Kidding aside I am wondering about life after death and if heaven and hell do exist where not on earth am I going? I hope there is a Heaven and I hope my family, old friends and cats are there above all then I hope to join them one day but I really was not thinking this soon……
I guess it could be though for any of us at any time….
I am freaked out needless to say and maybe even needlessly but I love my life now and regret living so much of it wishing I were never born. I love my family and another grand baby is on the way. My hubby is very supportive even when I am completely out of my mind which is often. I want to grow old for the first time in my life like I want to be at the wedding of my grand baby or the birth of a Great Grand Baby or GGB for short. I want it all and it’s more than just now growing up its a desire to have my slice of the pie too. I hate that I have missed soooooooo much. Too much really with all my disabilities and being sick. I want a life. One the is both grand and would be well hated by the WBC! It’s a matter of stopping my panic about death this moment in time that stops me from living right now. That being said as soon as I get well (let’s hope that’s how this goes) I am on it. No GB will go un snuggled or little cousin missed I will love and live harder than ever. I have to. My life depends on it!