Elder care while being disabled.

As most of you know, I’m disabled. I have been officially so since the age of 20. What most people don’t know is that I’ve been doing my best to help my elderly parents for the last 14 years.

It started when my mother’s kidneys began to fail. At the same time my father displayed signs of dementia and was the 3rd member to be diagnosed with diabetes. Both have suffered from depression and delusions since my childhood. They are manipulative, deceitful, both physically and emotionally dangerous to themselves and others, and worst of all they will cover for each other time and again for reasons as small as watching another person suffer.

Most people assume every child is either born to parents that love them or then given up for adoption if they don’t. That is sadly not the case. In my almost 38 years as their child I’ve been physically injured, was called a “stupid fucking cunt” for the first time before my age reached double digits, and have contend with my mother’s lie’s and my father’s beatings. On rare occasions they would swap roles but if all else failed, they made sure to find some means to maintain control over my life.

When I was in 2nd grade I told my teacher. Instead of calling the police she called my parents. It was so much worse after that and did not improve when they sent me to see a therapist that just happened to practice in the finished basement of his house. I told my parents what he was doing but they ignored me. They did finally walk in on him with me on his lap crying and the lights out except for his computer monitor. The entire ride home I was accused of being the one who seduced him. I didn’t know what seduced meant until after that night any more than I knew what a “cunt” was around the same time.

Though I digress…

The easiest was always a financial hook. How do I prove abuse if they will remove their name from my lease and make sure I’m homeless before I get my address out? Same for utilities, a phone, and even a car. If they co-sign or help provide these things they look great, but they were always a tool. I wanted to go to college in state but out of town so they threatened to pull all of their “help” if I even tried. Crap like that continues to this day.

When their house was hit in the Joplin tornado 5 years ago they moved into the house they decided I was to rent from them several years prior so they could have cheap homeowners insurance. I’m now threatened near daily with eviction. My rent is $500. They won’t take a cheque nor issue me a receipt. I’ve called the police but to no avail, or at least not really. My father was arrested for choking me but of course has an insane reason as to why he did so. They even called the police on me claiming I threw peanut butter at my father. However when this call was made I was running to beat Hell, screaming for help, and trying to avoid my father’s grasp at all costs. I still don’t know why he lost his mind and came at me. He choked me a second time and he swears I was threatening him or at times he says he was defending himself but just like the time he kicked me in my stomach, I was simply just there. For the stomach, I was trying to wake him because my mother needed him. The second choking I was only trying to get down the hallway and he turned around and snapped.

It has now been 5 years since either have taken their antidepressants, at least 4 since my mother had any medical care. Over a year since my father has been on his diabetes meds or thyroid pills. I’ve never been able to get a Dr to test for why his memory is failing. They refuse medical help but I’m not sure they are actually competent to do so.

They tell me daily how much they hate me. They claim to fear me but I have no idea why. They say they want me “gone” but know I have no place to go and they’ve interfered with my many attempts to get on the HUD list. They suggest killing myself several times a day and make it clear that I am in no way allowed to just leave. I am not safe here and I’m beginning to think there’s no way I will or could ever be safe.

Being disabled, I am not able to cover house cleaning for people that throw used adult diapers on the floor, leave rotting food all over the house, or worse, attack me for even trying to keep up. I cannot lift my obese mother. I cannot give them both a world where neither have to lift a finger. Hell I can’t even give them back the life they loved so much before they brought me into the world.

All I can do is keep trying to get away.